Do Not Read This If You Dislike “Bad Grammar”

Funny story I heard from Laura Belgray….

(She’s an email marketing master who writes copy oozing with personality.)

In her email this morning, Laura told us about her run-in with a grammar cop. 

Officer Grammar Grump is a lawyer who objected to a phrase in Laura’s previous email.

Laura’s offending phrase: “Looking forward to seeing you again.” 

Here’s the lawyer’s grumpy take: “While to some that may sound catchy, it demonstrates poor grammar. (It) is NOT a sentence. It is a sentence fragment…” 

(GASP!!!!! A sentence fragment. Look away!) 

Laura’s assistant replied with a simple “thanks for your feedback.” 

Grammar Grump shot back: “…As a person who taught public speaking, lectures extensively across America and is sponsored/paid by companies to do so, poor grammar is an effective tool only when telling a joke or anecdote.” 

Anyone notice Grumpy’s grammar error?

It’s what my 7th-grade English teacher Clara Fieselman calls a “dangling modifier.” 

In Grumpy’s sentence, the modifier is “As a person who taught…” The subject of his sentence is “poor grammar.” 

So his sentence says “Poor Grammar” is a person who taught public speaking. 

Now that’s what I call ironic, unintentional humor!

A de-dangled, grammatically-correct sentence: 

As a person who taught public speaking (etc.), I have a stick up my you-know-what and feel compelled to lecture far-superior writers about writing. 

All of this reminds me of the old chestnut: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb to light up a room of prospects?

Sorry. Can’t share the punchline here. This is a business email. No jokes allowed. 

Back to Laura’s email to sum this up:

(GASP!!!!! A sentence fragment that ends with a preposition.)

“Yep, if we all walk around starting sentences with ‘but’ or ‘and’ and dangling our modifiers, the world will become a constant Black Friday doorbusters at Best Buy, meets the mass hysteria scene in Birdbox (don’t look—both the movie’s mantra and my advice to you regarding checking it out, it’s the worst). Get loose with your grammar and we’ll all start looting, trampling each other, and walking dead-eyed into the flames of burning cars.” 

(GASP!!!!! Amusing sarcasm.)

I know so many coaches, consultants, and other experts who are interesting AND entertaining. Fun to talk to. Great storytellers. Oozing with personality. 

But when they write emails, social posts or other content, they bury their personalities. They’re so darn serious.

They no longer write like they talk. They’re no longer funny and entertaining.

They write as if they fear Officer Grammar Grump is just around the bend, waiting to write a ticket for sentence fragments, split infinitives, or sentences ending with prepositions. 

So their content is the same old boring, “blah blah blah” and readers tune out and move on. 

Oops. I meant to say: “…so out readers tune and on they move?” 

I’ll leave the (almost) last word for Laura: “…writing in plain human-speak—while dangerous to humanity and a major cause of tsunamis and mass cannibalism—is one of the essentials of good copywriting.”

Amen. Hallelujah. And praise Laura Belgray.

By the way, I quoted liberally from Laura’s email today. Sign up for her emails here: https://www.talkingshrimp.com/signup. I have to throw her a bone to keep her from suing me. 😉

(This email screamed for an ending with a little joke and winky emoji, didn’t it?)