Australian Toilet Humor

Here’s a rerun. I wrote it back in 2019 when I still led my email marketing company, MarketVolt.  I republished it on LinkedIn yesterday. My friend Ted Prodromou saw it there and called it laugh-out-loud funny — which inspired me to email it to you now. 

In my soon-to-be-released “Email Marketing Power” program, I’ll reveal the many places I turn for email inspiration. Reddit is one such place. That’s where this story came from, via another friend…

My pal Adam Kreitman and I both write story-driven emails with marketing lessons. Occasionally, we challenge one another by sharing a story that might be a bit strange or saucy or…whatever… and then daring the other to turn it into a meaningful email. 

Adam dropped one of those challenges on me yesterday. His text message read, “Turn this into an email…,” followed by a link to a story on Reddit. 

I knew the challenge would be great when I received this warning after clicking the link: “NSFW Content!” NSFW means Not Safe For Work. The content may be inappropriate to view in some situations.” 

I hesitated. But then I thought, “How can I resist?!” I looked over both shoulders and clicked to continue to the story.

Here’s the abridged version (search Reddit if you want to read the entire thing in all its NSFW glory): 

Some dude in Australia takes a bathroom break at work. He’s sitting on the can and has finished his business. But he decides to hang around a bit longer because, as he puts it, he’s being “paid to sh%#&.” 

While surfing the internet on his phone, he feels something strange.

Turns out a giant huntsman spider, also known as a “giant crab spider” (tee-hee) had been lying in the bowl when the dude sat down.

Now the spider, which is about the size of his hand, has hopped from the bowl to…

…well, let’s just say the spider landed on a place where angry arachnids ought not tread. 

Did I mention that huntsman spiders are aggressive and venomous? 

So, paid-to-sh%#&-guy leaps from the can, let’s out a “banshee wail” and knocks the aggressive, venomous, big-as-his-hand spider from his privates. 

In the process, he racks himself. 

Spider dead.

Dude writhing in agony. 

There’s more to the story. But those are the juicy bits. 

Now for some lessons (oh so many). 

The storyteller shared the most obvious one: Look before you sit on the can. 

I would add: That’s especially important if you’re in a place with giant, venomous spiders. 

But I don’t write these emails to share toilet tips. I write them to share marketing tips. So here goes…

This story proves once again that people read their phones just about anywhere — on the can, in bed, in places of worship, while driving, etc. 

I’m not condoning this. I’m just spreading the news. And for marketers, it’s good news. 

Countless surveys have tracked email reading habits. Here are some of the stats that caught my eye over the years: 

• 78% of those surveyed check email in the bathroom.
• 20% check email at weddings.
• 15% check email at funerals.
• 9% check email first thing after intimate relations (you know the word for it; I just can’t say it here because SPAM filters would go crazy).

The numbers may vary year-to-year. But the story is clear. Some people (lots of people!) are addicted to checking email. 

If you market your business with email, that’s great.

But don’t forget, you’re not alone so you have to make your emails more relevant and entertaining and informative if you want to capture readers’ attention. Readers have short attention spans – especially when they’re doing their business, sitting in a church, or driving. 

If you DON’T market your business with email, why not? These stats, alone, remind us that email remains one of the most relevant and popular communication channels.

People spend tons of time on their phones and computers, in all kinds of places. Their eyes are on their inbox. If your emails are not there, you’re missing a great opportunity. 

So there it is… 

Challenge met, I think. Adam, if you’re reading, how’d I do?

And you, dear reader, what do you think? As always, I welcome comments and feedback. 

Also, if you happened to read this while in the bathroom or at a funeral or in bed, lemme know. We’ll have a good laugh. I promise I won’t say, “Told you so” or tell anyone.