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Jacob and United Airlines

By Tom Ruwitch

I got a call last month from my son, Jacob, who declared, “I’m never flying United Airlines again!” Here’s why he was so upset… Jacob was at the Denver airport, at one of those self-serve check-in kiosks. It was crowded and hectic. There was a long line to get through security. He was frazzled. He…

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Wisdom Teeth Dummy

By Tom Ruwitch

When I was a dumb kid, I feared my IQ would drop if I had my wisdom teeth pulled. I was over that by the time I was 19 and dating Kathy. She had her wisdom teeth pulled the summer we dated. She couldn’t stand the pain. I suggested she rinse with warm salt water.…

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Left-Handed Whopper

By Tom Ruwitch

On April Fool’s Day 1998, Burger King ran a full-page advertisement in USA Today to introduce the new “Left-Handed Whopper” The ad proclaimed: “Finally, after years of neglect, left-handed eaters will no longer need to conform to traditional right-handed eating methods when enjoying America’s favorite burger.” Highlights: “Whopper rotated a full 180-degrees to ensure better grip on bun…”  “Rearranged orientation of…

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Foot Powder Elected

By Tom Ruwitch

This is the story of how a bottle of foot powder was elected Mayor of a town in Ecuador. I’m not kidding. During the 1967 mayoral election in Picoazà (population 4,000), a foot powder company launched an ad campaign with this slogan: “Vote for any candidate, but if you want well-being and hygiene, vote for…

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Toilet Instructions

By Tom Ruwitch

I recently spent a couple of weeks in New Zealand. Beautiful country. One of the most memorable things I saw there: Signs illustrating the right way to pooh. This is not B.S. These signs were as common as fart jokes in a boys locker room. On the right… a drawing of a person sitting on…

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Bubblegum Broccoli

By Tom Ruwitch

Here’s what McDonald’s CEO Don Thompson said when describing bubblegum-flavored broccoli that the company developed a few years ago: “It wasn’t all that.” Huh!? Put yourself in the shoes of those poor kids who tasted this Frankenstein “food.” Imagine what you might have said if you sampled the stuff.  It’s gotta be more (lots more) than, “It wasn’t…

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