Tom Ruwitch

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Wisdom Teeth Dummy

By Tom Ruwitch

When I was a dumb kid, I feared my IQ would drop if I had my wisdom teeth pulled. I was over that by the time I was 19 and dating Kathy. She had her wisdom teeth pulled the summer we dated. She couldn’t stand the pain. I suggested she rinse with warm salt water.…

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Borrowing Email Lists Greitens Etc.

By Tom Ruwitch

The meeting went off the rails when I asked, “How are you going to build your email list?” The nonprofit executive director replied, “We’re going to borrow lists from some other nonprofits we partner with.” “I recommend against that,” I said. “But we do that all the time with direct (postal) mail,” she said. I…

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Red Delicious Apple

By Tom Ruwitch

The last time I ate a Red Delicious apple, I thought, “Hmmm. ‘Red Delicious?’ That’s half-true. Red? Yes. Delicious? Not so much’?” Bad texture. Bland taste. All beauty. No substance. How can something so pretty and shiny be so terrible? I discovered the nasty secret in this great article in The Atlantic. Reds used to be delicious.…

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Left-Handed Whopper

By Tom Ruwitch

On April Fool’s Day 1998, Burger King ran a full-page advertisement in USA Today to introduce the new “Left-Handed Whopper” The ad proclaimed: “Finally, after years of neglect, left-handed eaters will no longer need to conform to traditional right-handed eating methods when enjoying America’s favorite burger.” Highlights: “Whopper rotated a full 180-degrees to ensure better grip on bun…”  “Rearranged orientation of…

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Girlfriend Flowers

By Tom Ruwitch

Back in high school, I had a crush on Amanda, but she had a boyfriend named Cam. A few days before her 16th birthday, she was flirting with me, bad-mouthing Cam, hinting that he was toast. So I made my move.  During the birthday party at her house, I snuck up to her room with…

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Pedestrian Bridge Marketing Failure

By Tom Ruwitch

The following story discusses one company’s marketing failure related to the pedestrian bridge collapse in Florida. I hesitated before sharing this story. I didn’t want to make light of the tragedy or dishonor the six people who died in Florida. I’ve chosen to proceed with the email because I think it contains a valuable marketing…

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Dude Checks Gas Leak With Match

By Tom Ruwitch

I ran across an article the other day about a dumb dude in Michigan who smelled gas coming from his newly installed water heater. He checked for the leak by lighting a match. He shoulda died, but he got off easy… …with singed eyebrows. Mixing fire and gas leak — that wasn’t his first mistake. …

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Ketchup and Hardcore Porn

By Tom Ruwitch

Did you hear the one about the ketchup bottle and the hardcore pornography site? Whoh! Settle down now. It’s not what you think. This is a G-rated story that is super-pertinent for anyone marketing a business. Turns out that the good folks at Heinz sold ketchup bottles in Germany that promoted a contest website. But…

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Foot Powder Elected

By Tom Ruwitch

This is the story of how a bottle of foot powder was elected Mayor of a town in Ecuador. I’m not kidding. During the 1967 mayoral election in Picoazà (population 4,000), a foot powder company launched an ad campaign with this slogan: “Vote for any candidate, but if you want well-being and hygiene, vote for…

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Toilet Instructions

By Tom Ruwitch

I recently spent a couple of weeks in New Zealand. Beautiful country. One of the most memorable things I saw there: Signs illustrating the right way to pooh. This is not B.S. These signs were as common as fart jokes in a boys locker room. On the right… a drawing of a person sitting on…

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